In his 2010 report, Douglas Payne writes obliquely of a local research body (here named as Lanark Neon Inquisitions Panel) who were pointedly interested in curious light phenomena occurring over the town’s cemetery. The following report from South Lanarkshire Council outlines an executive decision to reject a funding application made by the panel in support of research into specific recent occurrences. It is unusual for such a low-level decision to be made at the executive level of local councils, and as such the document remains a crucial indication of something afoot in Lanark during this period. At the very least, awareness of tensions between the scientifically-minded, the religious and town petit-bourgeoisie suggests local politicians may have had some knowledge of the material and existential rifts occurring within the town. Reference to a ‘headquarters’ recalls, perhaps ironically, Payne’s own desperate search for the holy grail of The Absent Material Gateway: the underground laboratories in which they conducted their business. This report was found in the remaining effects of the Vital Materials store in 2016. Unfortunately, a great part of it is missing, as many stapled pages have been removed from its back.


Executive Board
11 June 2008
Councillor Joshua McGill
(Environment & Planning)
Local Estates and Civic Protection Officer
Janice Lavery (Tel 720007)
Lanark Neon Inquisitions Panel - Funding Application for Otherterrestrial Phenomena (AOP)


For Executive Board to determine whether to financially support independent body, Lanark Neon Inquisitions Panel, in recent application to conduct study into recent ‘otherterrestrial phenomena’ at St. Kertigen’s Graveyard.


2.1 Lanark Neon Inquisitions Panel (or LNI as internally known) was set up in 2002 to investigate unusual meteorological and luminary phenomena within the town of Lanark and its outskirts, namely the seven farms and acreage of publically owned woodland area that borders the northwesterly side.

2.2 The LNI comprises three to six members at any one time in its six-year history. Mr Jonathan Aldridge has been its longest-standing member, co-founding the group with Mr Douglas Payne in January 2002. Both members are of true Lanark descent.

2.3 The Panel garnered initial popularity via a website set up in Payne’s name. Membership has not favoured well since, for reasons cited including internal conflict and external pressure to reveal findings conducted on ‘suspicious sites’.

2.4 The Panel argue that recent sightings of light phenomena above St. Kentigern’s cemetery represent a ‘new epoch’ of awareness regarding ethereal encounters. Lanark is posited as a critical backdrop for ‘touching the absent presence of the other’ in Panel documentation, consisting mostly of locally-printed riso pamphlets. Having exhausted the usual avenues for funding, subsidy is requested from official sources in the hope that the project may continue into the future.

2.5 Some residents have accused the Panel of aggressive research techniques. One member has an unspecified criminal record (confirmed by Lanarkshire Police Division), relating to civic unrest and theft. The Panel has yet to register officially as a charity and remains in the process of application for status.

2.6 Despite requests from Lanarkshire Funds Department, the LNI refused disclosure of their headquarters, citing no fixed address on official documentation.


3.1 That Members agree not to support Curious Neon Panel’s requested funding application for research into St. Kertigen’s light phenomena.


The application for such a grant is itself a most unusual request within the context of local government funding. No credible evidence has been given to suggest the research will be of benefit to the local community. St. Kertigen’s cemetery is a sacred space for the local community and various protestations have been made regarding the prospect of researchers moving in to track scientific artefacts, phenomena and sensory effects. Moreover, it is feared that personal grievances between Mr Aldridge, several local businesses and the church board of St. Kertigen’s will result in civic disturbance of an unnecessary degree, given the limited scope of the research. Already complaints have been made to police regarding unorthodox practises of ‘wave manipulation’ from machines brought down by LNI members. Such devices incur a pulsating sound that recreates the painful ricochet of a ‘Doppler effect’ across the town. Further research may indeed exacerbate these atmospheric disturbances rather than forge solutions to existing ones. More details on such reported phenomena may be found below.

Archivist’s Note: Rest of Document Missing